Instead of my usual weekly lesson, today you’re getting the latest section from a book I’m writing. (If you missed last week’s, you can read it here.)
The title: “How to Talk to Strangers in English; And make them think you’re amazing even if your English is so bad it makes rugby players cry and starts earthquakes.”
If you have any feedback for me — if something is confusing, if there’s a word you don’t know, if you disagree with something, or if you think I should add something — please write. And for everyone who emails advice, I’ll put his/her name on a list to send a free copy to when it’s done.
MOVE THE SPOTLIGHT
Imagine an actor on stage. The theater is dark except for one circle of light. This is the spotlight and the actor stands in the middle of it.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be in the audience.
The actor has a job to do. It’s a performance. It’s work. All eyes are on him. And it sounds incredibly stressful.
And what about your conversations? Are they stressful? Do they feel like work? Could it be because you’re in the spotlight?
So here’s an idea — move the spotlight. Move it to the other person and keep it there. Talk about his stupid boss at the bank, his football team which just won, his ugly tie, his sick dog, his genius kid who just learned to walk.
Move the spotlight to the other person and:
- He’ll do most of the talking.
- He’ll enjoy doing most of the talking.
- He’ll think you’re fabulous for letting him do most of the talking.
- And you can relax.
WHY MOVING THE SPOTLIGHT WORKS
Do you know what the most common subject in the English language is? According to a list of the 5,000 most frequently used words in English, the word “I” is #11.
But the other words aren’t words you can talk about. They’re mostly verbs (to be) and prepositions (to, at, etc.). “I” is the first word that can be the subject of a sentence. Therefore, it’s the most popular subject in English conversation.
People love talking about themselves.
Next time you’re in public, listen to other peoples’ conversations and notice how much you hear the word “I” and how many people are talking about themselves.
Notice how people naturally take the spotlight. They wait for the other person to stop talking and then they grab the light and put it back on themselves.
“Me me me me me…”
That’s just how a normal conversation goes.
In the classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I highly recommend, the author tells the story of sitting next to a stranger during a dinner party. He didn’t have anything in common with her, but by the end of the evening she told him that he was the best conversationalist she had ever met.
And the interesting part – he had barely spoken! All he did to make her think he was brilliant was put the spotlight on her and keep it there.
In a biography I read about President Reagan, the author wrote that although Reagan was famous and powerful, people felt comfortable when they spoke to him. He explained that it was because Reagan’s attitude was different. Whereas most famous or important people walk into a room with the attitude “Here I am”, Reagan’s attitude communicated, “Ah, there you are.”
In other words, he moved the spotlight onto the other person.
NEXT WEEK: HOW TO MOVE THE SPOTLIGHT IN ONE STEP