Daily Lessons / blog posts

BALTIMORE, USA – It was Halloween in Prague.

A friend knew a guy who knew a girl who was going to a party at someone’s apartment. 

So I invited myself and went. Read More >

BALTIMORE, USA – I called home Saturday and my nephew picked up the phone.

After catching up on the latest super hero movies, he told me about a cabin he had just discovered in the woods.

“But it was destroyed,” he said.

“Yeah I know,” I said. “Some hoodlums wrecked it before you were born.”

“What’s a hoodlum?” he asked.

Oh yeah, I thought. He’s only 11. His vocab size is probably about 12,000 words, while mine is around 30,000.

How do I know these fun facts?

I got them from the site testyourvocabulary.com 

The site also says that the average vocabulary size of non-native speakers is 4,500.

And what about you?

How many English words do you know?

You can get the answer in a few minutes.

Go to the site, take their free test, and you’ll soon have your number.

Then when you know your number, will you do me a favor and send it to me? You don’t even have to write anything. Just copy, paste and send.

I’m interested in how many words my readers know. (and if enough of you write me, I’ll average the numbers and share them)

Then tomorrow I’ll tell you how increasing your number is easier than you thought.

Here’s that link again: http://testyourvocab.com

As we say in English, let’s land the plane.

Remember my students at Lonza?

They said their problem was speaking.

But they also said they didn’t remember the name of their last teacher.

And THAT was their REAL problem — they weren’t interested in other people.

You see, when you’re interested in another person, you want to know more about him. And to know more about him you have to ask questions. Then a conversation starts. Then the person starts to like you because you’re interested in him. Then he becomes interested in you and asks you questions. Then you have a friend. And friends have lots of conversations. And when you have lots of conversations in English, your English naturally improves.

See how that works?

ADVANCED TECHNIQUES PT. 2

Three Ways To Escape A Conversation

Not all conversations will be amazing. Not all conversation partners will become your new best friend. And sometimes, well, you want to politely exit the conversation and find a better one.

Here are three techniques I use at social events.

1. “I’m going to get another drink. Do you want to join me?”

If I’m at an event — a party, a conference, etc. — I try to enter a new conversation with an almost-empty drink. That way, I know that whenever I want I can quickly finish the drink and excuse myself to get another.

I also like to invite the person I’m talking with to join me because I know how awkward it is to suddenly be standing alone in the middle of a room. And what usually happens is that at the bar or on the way to the bar another conversation starts or he finds someone else he wants to talk to.

2. “Excuse me, do you know where the bathrooms are?”

This one is good if you don’t want the person to join you. And if he does join you, well, I guess your new conversation skills worked too well.

3. “Who have you met tonight?” Then: “Come on, let’s go mingle.”

In English, “mingle” means to move around a room meeting people and starting conversations.

When you ask someone who they’ve met, usually the number is small. This is a way of stating the obvious: We came here to meet people but we’re not so let’s start.

That makes total sense and most people will be thankful you’re taking the lead.

Then walk up to anyone you want, stand there with a smile until they stop talking and look at you. (Don’t worry, you’re not interrupting or being rude, there’s a 98% chance they were bored.) Introduce yourself and your new friend and start asking questions. In this situation I usually start with, “So what are we talking about?”

NEXT WEEK: The exciting conclusion where we finally discover the true identity of the murderer!

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1. Give the person a conversation ball

In one of my favorite books, The Catcher in the Rye, the main character is talking about trying to meet girls in New York City. He’s having a difficult time because the girls aren’t very interesting and the conversation is bad. He then gives an analogy of a good conversation. He says it’s like throwing a baseball with another person. You throw the ball. The other person catches it. He throws it back. You catch it. You throw it back to him. And so on. Back and forth.

So if a conversation is like throwing a ball, I’ve noticed there are some things I can say which the other person can catch more easily and other things I say which the other person can’t.

For example, when I moved to Maryland and I told someone I’m from Virginia, the reaction I got was often, “Oh.”

Maryland and Virginia are two feet away and everyone’s been there and who cares?

But if I said, “I just moved here from Prague,” the reaction was usually, “Wow!”

Either the person had visited Prague, wanted to visit, had family from there, or watch a TV show about it.

They tell me their connection. And the conversation is on!

And now I can ask questions about a subject we’re both interested in.

So what’s something about you that people like to talk about?

I don’t know your life, but experiment, notice what information people react to, and then when you find something about yourself that people like to talk about, don’t keep it hidden, start the conversation with it.

For example…

“Hi, I’m an accountant but my hobby is making sushi from the rats I catch behind my house.”

Or…

“Hi, my name is Bob. My mother wanted me to be a girl so she made me wear dresses until I was five.”

Or, my favorite…

“Hi, I’m not wearing any underwear. Where do you live?” (tip: for maximum effect, try not to blink when you say this one)

I used to have an office in Prague. But after a few months I went back to teaching in my apartment. I thought sitting at a big, wooden table in an old Prague 1 building would be more professional than sitting on my blue couch.

But really, the only difference was that my students weren’t as relaxed. And that was definitely the case with the student I’m about to tell you about.

When I walked in that morning he was already sitting at the table waiting for me.

I introduced myself. We shook hands. I offered him some coffee. Then I went to the kitchen to make it.

That was maybe ten seconds total. A dozen words were spoken.  But I already had a strong feeling about this young man. And it wasn’t positive.

I knew what his real problem was right away.

But of course, when I came back into the room and interviewed him, he told me his problem was his grammar.

You see, he wanted more foreign customers. But after he met with a potential client, they would choose his competition.

Well, his English wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad. In fact, I had a hard time finding his mistakes.

So, in my opinion, the reason he was losing business was not because of what he was saying with his words, but what he was saying with his body.

Here’s what I saw: his arms were crossed and there was a big frown on his face.

He looked pissed off!

And who wants to do business with someone who looks like he’s about to smash a window?

Body language is SO important. Little things that we’re not usually aware of communicate so loudly they can yell. Sometimes we can’t even hear what the person is saying because their body language is so loud.

Change your body language and you can, without using any conditionals or confusing phrasal verbs, tell the other person a message everyone loves to hear, which is:

“You’re important and I’m listening to you.”

Who doesn’t want to hear that?

Bad Body Language

• Crossed arms
• Looking at your watch
• Looking at your phone
• Looking around the room
• A frown on your face
• A stone face (you don’t move the muscles in your face)

Good Body Language

• Eye contact
• Leaning in
• Nodding when the person talks
• Expressive face (you move the muscles in your face)
• Smiling (But not fake; it can be a small smile.)

And though not technically body language, I recommend you also throw in the occasional “Uh huh,” “Hmmm,” or “Oh really…” to communicate that you’re listening.

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If you’re already having a great day, perfect.

But what if you’re not? Or what if it’s the end of the day and you’re feeling tired? Or what if it’s just a normal day and you’d like to feel better?

It is possible to change your mood. And you can do it so quickly and easily it’ll probably surprise you.

Let’s start with something you already know: when you’re in a bad mood or a depressed mood or a sad mood other people can see it. They see that your head is down and your movements are slow and your posture is bad. So it worked like this: first something happened, your mood changed, and then your body changed (The big word for this in English is “physiology.”)

But it also works the other way.

If you change your physiology you will change your mood. Your emotions and your body are connected. You won’t have a choice. Change your posture and your brain will send different chemicals and your mood will change.

Here’s an experiment:

1. Measure your confidence from one to ten. Just think about it for a second and pick a number.
2. Stand up and stand like Wonder Woman. (hands on your hips, head high, chest out, take up space)
3. Stand like this for two minutes.
4. Measure your confidence again.

 

Stand like Wonder Woman if you want to feel like Super Man.

 

Feel different? Every time I’ve tried, it’s worked for me and my students.

Here are 3 more techniques to change your mood.

• Dance
• Exercise
• Force yourself to smile for 30 seconds.

And if you’re having the worst day of your life and nothing will get that cloud away from your head, then stay home or give yourself permission not to speak. We’ve all met people we wish had taken that advice.

NEXT WEEK: Why Body Language Is More Important Than Verb Tenses

P.S. If you want to watch a fascinating video on the Wonder Woman pose and changing your mood quickly, check out this video (you can also watch it with English subtitles).

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are?language=en

HOW TO ASK GOOD QUESTIONS

1. Make Them Real

2. Make them Open-ended

A close-ended question is a question you can answer with either “yes” or “no.” Close-ended questions don’t start brilliant conversations.

“Do you like this weather?”

“Yes.”

Not a good conversation.

But an open-ended question…

“What’s your favorite thing to do Sunday morning?”

It makes the person think, it makes them talk more, and hopefully it starts a conversation.

Ok, so questions are important. But they’re not everything…
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Think of a recent conversation you had with a friend.

Maybe you met for coffee… maybe you had a phone chat… maybe you ran into him at the store…

Can you remember the exact words he said?

Probably not.

And in a month or two, you’ll forget the conversation ever happened.

But now try to remember this: How did your friend make you feel?

If you’re like most people, you can’t remember people’s words, but you can easily remember how they make you feel.

FACT ONE: We forget what people say; we remember how they make us feel.

How is this possible?

Sometimes it’s their words.

If you tell your wife, “Honey, did your butt get bigger?” she’s probably not going to have a great day.

But more often it’s the person’s emotions behind his words that are affecting you.

For example, if someone is in a great mood when they’re talking to you, suddenly you feel good.

Or, if someone is depressed or has low energy, soon you start to feel like his dark cloud is over your head.

FACT TWO: Emotions are contagious

Like a cold is contagious, or a virus is contagious, we can also catch someone’s emotions.

When I started my first office job, I wanted to understand the business and what everyone in the company does so one day I sat with one of the phone sales guys and watched him work. I noticed on his desk he had a small mirror. And at the bottom of the mirror it said: “How you look is what they hear.”

Brilliant!

If you look like you’re tired, bored, depressed or angry, it’s impossible to sound cheerful, happy, enthusiastic or interested.

THEREFORE: Because your emotions are more important than your words, the most important thing you can do before a conversation is feel good.

NEXT WEEK: How to change your mood in 120 seconds.

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Ask Questions.

That’s it.

One step.

Simple.

Ask questions about the other person and they will do all the conversation work for you and think you’re amazing.

But ask the wrong questions, or in the wrong way, and your conversation partner will fall into a deep sleep and men in white suits will need to be called to give him electric shocks to his brain.

Here’s how to make sure your questions don’t do that.

HOW TO ASK GOOD QUESTIONS

1. Make Them Real

In other words, don’t be fake.

Plastic Christmas trees are fake.

A politician kissing babies is fake.

Michael Jackson’s nose is fake.

No one likes fake.

So if you’re talking to an astronaut and you think space is boring, don’t ask about rockets.

The challenge is to quickly find something about the person that you’re interested in. What I’ve discovered is that usually – not always, but most of the time — if I keep asking questions I’ll find something about the person I genuinely want to talk about.

Here’s an example.

In Prague I used to belong to a networking website called “Internations.” Every month they hosted events. It’s a great way to meet people from all over the world, practice your languages, and maybe make some business contacts.

I just went to meet girls.

Anyway, one time I found myself trapped in a corner. No girls anywhere. And blocking my escape was a man with a brown tie and a glass of water.

“Uh, this conversation is going to be painful,” I thought.

But I started asking questions.

“Where are you from?”

“How long have you been in Prague?”

“Is this your first event?”

So far, nothing he said was interesting to me. If I had asked him to tell me more about his hometown in Ohio my questions would have been fake because I didn’t care about his hometown.

So I kept going.

“What do you do?”

“I own a vape shop,” he said.

Ah ha! He’s a businessman! Something I’m interested in.

I asked him about his customers, why they buy, how much rent costs, how he plans to expand…

I was genuinely interested and the conversation was saved!

NEXT WEEK: How To Ask Good Questions, parts two and three: open-ended questions and non-verbal communication.

Instead of my usual weekly lesson, today you’re getting the latest section from a book I’m writing. (If you missed last week’s, you can read it here.) 

The title: “How to Talk to Strangers in English; And make them think you’re amazing even if your English is so bad it makes rugby players cry and starts earthquakes.”

If you have any feedback for me — if something is confusing, if there’s a word you don’t know, if you disagree with something, or if you think I should add something — please write. And for everyone who emails advice, I’ll put his/her name on a list to send a free copy to when it’s done.

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Imagine an actor on stage. The theater is dark except for one circle of light. This is the spotlight and the actor stands in the middle of it.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be in the audience.

The actor has a job to do. It’s a performance. It’s work. All eyes are on him. And it sounds incredibly stressful.

And what about your conversations? Are they stressful? Do they feel like work? Could it be because you’re in the spotlight?

So here’s an idea — move the spotlight. Move it to the other person and keep it there. Talk about his stupid boss at the bank, his football team which just won, his ugly tie, his sick dog, his genius kid who just learned to walk.

Move the spotlight to the other person and:

• He’ll do most of the talking.
• He’ll enjoy doing most of the talking.
• He’ll think you’re fabulous for letting him do most of the talking.
• And you can relax.

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Do you know what the most common subject in the English language is? According to a list of the 5,000 most frequently used words in English, the word “I” is #11.

But the other words aren’t words you can talk about. They’re mostly verbs (to be) and prepositions (to, at, etc.). “I” is the first word that can be the subject of a sentence. Therefore, it’s the most popular subject in English conversation.

People love talking about themselves.

Next time you’re in public, listen to other peoples’ conversations and notice how much you hear the word “I” and how many people are talking about themselves.

Notice how people naturally take the spotlight. They wait for the other person to stop talking and then they grab the light and put it back on themselves.

“Me me me me me…”

That’s just how a normal conversation goes.

In the classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I highly recommend, the author tells the story of sitting next to a stranger during a dinner party. He didn’t have anything in common with her, but by the end of the evening she told him that he was the best conversationalist she had ever met.

And the interesting part – he had barely spoken! All he did to make her think he was brilliant was put the spotlight on her and keep it there.

In a biography I read about President Reagan, the author wrote that although Reagan was famous and powerful, people felt comfortable when they spoke to him.  He explained that it was because Reagan’s attitude was different. Whereas most famous or important people walk into a room with the attitude “Here I am”, Reagan’s attitude communicated, “Ah, there you are.”

In other words, he moved the spotlight onto the other person.

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